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Don't hold me back... The question of "escape", my inner "why", does not let me rest... I can't put it in round sentences, neatly, collected. There are only feelings... They're also just in pieces... ... Like Mary Magdalene, crying at the grave... I'm grieving. I mourn the past, the memories, the "wasted" time.  Jesus is standing in front of  me, but I don't recognize him... I'm busy with my own pain.. -Mary- / -Rabboni-  I'm falling in front of his feet like I was on that first, unforgettable afternoon (in the moment of forgiveness)... I hug him... "Don't leave me here! I'll do anything, anything,... just don't leave me...!" "Don't hold me back!"  ... He's gone... I'm, as the one who woke up from the dream... Exhausted... I'm almost physically pained by the weight on me... "Then go quickly and tell his disciples: ‘He has risen from the dead and is going ahead of you into Gali...

Should we pray or play drums?... This sentence still comes from somewhere in my secondary school memories. It's been long time ago... It resurfaced in connection with a question that occurred to me today... What is worth more to the action or the thought? What will ultimately matter? Is it what we thought, said, (wrote) or what the "fruits" were like? How did we approach people? Did we notice the other one at all?...  Because that's where we're at now... i certainly do... Hours pass from my life without remembering who was facing me, what I said, what I reacted... Autopilot mode... I'm not present in my own life... "Pray and work!" ... That would be the balance of our lives, but I can't be present in any of them... I'm "running away" from one, I'm tired of the other...  "I'm running away"... It would be nice to talk about it, write it out from myself, but I can't even articulate the "whys"...

I wondered! While you are twenty years old, you still believe that there is value in the purity that is preserved. You even believe that there must be someone who will appreciate this. There may be a relationship where the body is not just a "tool", but a gift to express love. In your thirties, you begin to think. Is there a problem with you? Is the fault in you? Here it doesn't matter if you're in a relationship or you're single. It is becoming more and more harder to talk about the topic. Being a virgin in your thirties is a "kind of shame"...! As the years go by, you accept it. It's your decision, but when the question arises, you try to avoid it... It becomes a "stain of shame"... Sorrowful! In a few decades, a value will become a "stain of shame" for the world... I hope it's just for the world!  "I'm sending you like lambs among the wolves" /Mt 10:16/... They are not of the world"/Jn 17:14/ Szüzességről...