Jézussal Londonban...

Being a fig tree... Sunday... After yesterday, it's hard to "get back to business as usual". Just a few thoughts (Walsingham): *Thirst: We need Christ every day as well as pure water... It would be good for me to keep this in mind in the mornings. I'm looking for excuses, even though I could go to the Mass...  Who else could fill the feeling of emptiness within us, the desire for love?... * The Church as a mother: Just as a mother protected and carried us under her heart for 9 months, so too do we have a mission to protect and carry each other in the Church, in the community. Not just each other, anyone who shows themselves open to accepting the gospel... (to accommodate). The two are closely related. Without Christ, we cannot be open- minded... Zakeus... Today's gospel. He is a stigmatized, excluded man. No  one talked to him because they knew who he is..."public sinner." The time has come... He wondered who was Jesus they were talking so mu...

Walsingham... Another day. On the way to Walsingham. Now I'm not alone, with community. My heart is full of gratitude, but at the same time it's a bit  anxious. It's the first time in a long time (10 years) that I've been going anywhere with others... A little cloudy and cool in the morning, but the coffee warms me up. Conversations, small gestures, impressions... I don't want any more than that now. I don't expect any more from myself. I just want to be open... My body has arrived, but my soul is somewhere on its way... I feel that I'm a stranger... what am I looking for here? I have never been and will never be such a good "believer" like them ...  Mass... My soul is still somewhere far away...  We look around.  I slowly calm down.  I feel, "I'm here with you!" ... I need a little silence, some solitude... Now is not the time for that. I'm open-minded, not too "chatty", but open. That's why I'm here...

The flood of complaints... Why is it that we think we can achieve anything by complaining? Will it get better? No!... It only destroys our souls, leaving behind a bad feeling. The other person doesn't really care about our whining. He has his own troubles too... We can't be satisfied with where we are, with our circumstances... How many times have I heard that dissatisfaction takes me forward... It could be... There is a limit where you have to say enough is enough! You can't live in perpetual dissatisfaction... I would like to believe that there are still days when I feel like everything is "round"... there's silence inside and out... I can't recall the last time there was such a moment... Panasz-áradat...  Mért van az, hogy azt hisszük, a panaszkodással el tudunk érni bármit is? Jobb lesz? Nem!... Csak rombolja a lelkünket, rossz érzést hagyva maga után. Nem igazán érdekli a másikat a nyavalygásunk. Neki is megvan a saját baja... Mért nem tudunk megelége...

Picture frame... Waiting... In front of me are pictures on the wall, neatly arranged. One is already framed... Which one really touches me? The one that isn't finished yet has the potential for change. Diversity of colors and textures... Impressions... I don't want to understand them, I want to feel them. To feel them moving in their own boundlessness, brushstroke by stroke toward the Infinite. Captivating the creator and the beholder... They are composed within our own earthly framework, yet they point to a distant world that we (fortunately) are not able to change. We would.. that's the only way we can think. For us, that's the natural thing to do. Since the primordial sin, we have lost the infinite. It is only present in its germs, in our desires... in the silence, in the moments of creation... the inner murmur of Silence that appears on the canvas... Afraid... I'm afraid to meet this Inner Silence... I don't know what it has in store for me. I...

Like pebbles in the beach sand Sunday... I'm on my way. I need this day. I need it. My "days off" are for family programs. This day belongs to friends, to the community, to God... Every day is His, even if he is not conscious of us. We wouldn't have a day without him! Sunday... What does it mean to be a "Sunday Christian"? How can I become an "ordinary Christian"? I feel like a pebble in the beach sand. I'm waiting for the tide to come and take me (not in the "deadly" sense)... We are just heavy, helpless pieces of stone from ourselves, no matter how hard we try. The Endless Sea can only take us with it... The question is, do we want it? Do we want to see the world? Or do we yearn for our familiar, everyday lives? Do we take on the challenge of "statelessness," misunderstanding, and sometimes social loneliness in exchange for the adventure of belonging to Christ... Mint kavics a tengerparti homokban... Vasárnap.....

Snapshots (8th Oct/Budapest) Slowly I say goodbye to the landscape of Zala, head to the big city. I'll leave the silence, nature... a built, "created" world awaits me, with all its beauty and difficulty... A beautiful, sunny morning in the City Park, Budapest. I haven't seen it refurbished yet. I haven't seen the House of Hungarian Music, the new Ethnographic Museum... Vajdahunyadvara... Passers... Retro GPS... 🙂. Summer of vein women. I like to come home in late September, early October. Now, as I write these lines, I am already sitting on the plane, on my way back to London. I barely slept for a couple of hours, also restlessly. It's been a long time since I've gone alone. Years ago. I'm trying to calm myself down... it's only an hour and a half... My arms are numb, there is an unpleasant tightness in my chest... There will be nothing wrong! We'd just be there at last! At such times, I always think about e...

Poros, hideg, elhagyatott nagyszülői ház. Csak az emlékek melengetnek, kint szürkeség... Felszállt a párafelhő. Van mit tenni... Favágás, kaszálás. Végre újra érzem, hogy élek. Nem gondolkodom, nem merengek. Teszem amit a pillanat hoz, amit éppen tennem kell... Roskadozó fügefa, alma, dió...gondozás, metszés nélkül. Ajándékba! Gondolatban én is az oltár elé teszem és hálát adok.  Hálát adok mindenért, amit kaptam, hisz semmi sem magától értetődő. Nem jár nekünk...ajándékba kapjuk. Hálát adok a lehetőségekért...Nem használtam ki eléggé. Nagy lehetőség egy több milliós városban élni, számomra mégis idegen...Nem érzem magaménak. Itthon se lenne másként. A fantázia nagyon messze áll a valóságtól. Eltávolodtam az emberektől... "Aki meg akarja menteni az életét elveszíti azt..." - Aki nagyon az "önmegvalósításra", önérvényesítésre törekszik, előbb-utóbb bezárul, végül elveszíti a kapcsolatot a környezetével és valódi önmagával... Snapshots (5th Okt...

Vasárnap...Vissza a múltba 30 évvel ezelőttre. Lispeszentadorján...általános iskola, összevont osztályok, alsó tagozat  (Mára már turista ház/vendégház). Esti plébániai hittan (A plébánia ma már romokban. Csak a falak állnak). Elsőáldozás, bérmálkozás...közösség. Szentmise előtti találkozások, beszélgetések. Kezdek alkalmazkodni...Érzek illatokat; meg tudom külömböztetni a fák illatát; hallom a madarak hangját; a fogoly vagy a fácán zörrenését a fák között... Szinek, hangok, illatok...ezernyi emléket ébresztenek. Hol vannak már azok az idők, mégis olyan közelinek és valóságosnak tűnnek... Idegen vagyok...Mondhatni "hontalan". Nem értik, akik még soha nem próbálták a "vándor-életet".  "Milyen jó neked odakinn Angliában!"  Igen jó, de rossz is. Idegennek lenni egy idegen orszszágban, idegen kultúrában. Haza jövök, itt is idegen vagyok. Az élet nélkülem folyik tovább...Az összekötő hidak, kapcsolatok meggyengülnek. Lassan-lassan megszünnek... Ugya...

Reggeli párafelhő. A nap már elő-előbukkan a dombok felett. Csend. Végre kezdem otthon érezni magam. Ki vagyok? Honnan jöttem? Mit képviselek? Mi tesz azzá,aki vagyok? Szeretnék egy hétre hazajönni egyedül, úgy hogy senki nem tud rólam. Csak én, a természet és... Szükségem van az emberekre, de a csendre is. Alázat...Nehéz. Nem visszaszólni; elismerni mások képességét; meghallgatni a másik véleményét úgy, hogy nem eggyezik az enyémmel... Nem tudom, hogy ezt jelenti-e az alázat... Snapshots... Morning mist cloud. The sun is already emerging over the hills. Silence. I'm finally starting to feel at home. Who am I? Where did I come from? What do I stand for? What makes me who I am? I would like to come home alone for a week without anyone knowing about me. Just me, nature and... I need the people, but I also need the silence. Humility... Difficult. Not to speak back; recognize the ability of others; to listen to the other's opinion without being the same as mine... I don...